By Catherine H. Knott, Ph.D.
"Brendan" is six feet tall, with shoulder-length reddish brown hair, good looks, and a quiet voice. He fits anyone's definition of an at-risk teen. He lives with his brother and their single mother, who struggles financially while she spends long hours divided between her job and finishing her own college degree. She is often away in the evenings.
In addition, the family deals daily with the residue of serious domestic violence from the boys' alcoholic father. They have moved several times in the past few years. But Brendan, who just turned 18 and is about to enter his senior year of high school, is making good grades. His brother, age 16, blond and popular, was recently named high school Junior Prom King, and is now busy training for a pole vaulting competition. Brendan himself draws positive attention from his science teachers for his excellent work, runs on the cross-country team, and makes movies based on classic literature.
While both of these young men have experimented with alcohol and marijuana, they have stayed away from more serious illegal drugs, and have consciously made choices to avoid abusing drugs and alcohol in the future.
How have these two young men avoided the pitfalls of alcohol and drug abuse and addiction? I recently interviewed Brendan and asked him to describe what helped him stay away from drugs, what mistakes he saw his friends make, and what he would suggest, from a teen perspective, for parents of teenagers today. I also talked to his mother, to get her perspective on what helps her teenagers survive and thrive. Finally, I talked to a social worker who knows the family, to find out what she thinks is going right in this family, and what ways they could do even better during the vulnerable teen years. Each had a different story about why things worked; together, they demonstrate what success can look like.
Brendan's Story
The number of teens abusing drugs and alcohol rises in the summertime. Sometimes, Brendan says, it is difficult for him to stay busy and find ways to meet with his high school friends over the summer. Summer can be boring and lonely if friends are away visiting relatives, which makes it a likely time for teens to turn to drugs and alcohol for excitement.
Brendan has found a job that helps him stay busy, mostly doing landscaping work by himself. He wishes the small town he lives in would have more places for teens to meet - maybe a park or climbing wall, and regular, sponsored dances, even with adult supervision. He likes to socialize with larger groups of teens, as well as a small circle of good friends.
But Brendan has also made clear choices for himself and when talking with me, he is able to isolate several factors that he believes are the most important for teenagers who are trying to stay away from drugs and alcohol.
- Staying in touch with a parent. Brendan emphasizes the importance of teens and parents staying in touch during the day and in the evening. That means that he needs to know how to reach his mom, and she needs to know where to find him. Cell phones are great for teens, he says, though he admits that not all teens are honest about their whereabouts when they are on the phone with parents. Brendan says he and his mom have established a pattern of nightly check-in calls.
"Usually I call my mom around 9 p.m., and let her know what the plan is from there." Week nights that means he is home in time to go to bed at a reasonable hour; weekends he has a little more freedom, and might even stay overnight with a friend. His mom makes sure she knows the people he stays with. - Dealing with peer pressure. Brendan sees himself as a leader in his peer group, and says that he doesn't really worry about what other people think of him. He says he has a pretty strong will, and can say no when friends are doing something he does not want to do. He chooses his good friends carefully.
"I like to have friends all about the same age. I have a triangle of three friends - I'm usually at one of those friends' houses. We don't have the opportunity to get out and party with older people much. None of us has a car." He is also supportive of his younger brother and says, "He never has to worry about people's opinion of him, because he's my brother." - The importance of neighborhood. Brendan notes the importance of the neighborhood in reinforcing values about drugs and alcohol. "When I have kids, I'd make sure I lived in a good neighborhood. If your kids are around people who are derelict, or abusers, they tend to think that's normal. One of my friends lives in a small house, and three of the neighbor kids' parents are drunk a lot. Their kids didn't turn out so good, probably because they saw their parents drinking too much. My friend's parents are very straight and narrow when it comes to drinking, but because he is exposed to these other families, he thinks it is more normal. He has more of a drinking problem than any of my other friends."
- Being able to leave a bad situation. "Most of the time I can be a good influence with this friend. But if it is a bad situation, I usually just leave. Because it is a small town here, I can usually walk home pretty easily." If he is at a party farther away, a cell phone becomes a critical tool for getting a ride home quickly, or even just calling his mother to talk to her about the situation.
- Summer jobs for older teens living at home. Brendan thinks it helps teenagers, including him, to have a job for the long summer months. That way he has to act responsibly. If he wants to get paid, he has to get regular sleep, get up early, and show up to his job on time, ready to put in a hard day's work. "Making your kids get a job is a good way to keep your kids from getting into trouble," he says.
- Staying involved with sports. Brendan believes the best thing he and his brother do to keep away from drugs and alcohol is their active participation in sports. Both Brendan and his brother stay involved year round in different sports.
"Sports are good protection against peer pressure - but only if you really like and are committed to the sport. I do cross-country and track - I like to run. Teams are good, too, because you can make good friends and get support. My plan for my own kids would be to involve them in soccer. All the soccer kids seem to do really well in school, and it doesn't seem like they do as many drugs or drink as much."
Brendan comments that while there is a kind of stigma attached to playing sports, it isn't necessarily bad. Peers understand that teens involved in sports have to stay healthy and strong. "I like to keep my body healthy," Brendan says. "I drink a lot of orange juice and take vitamins."
Brendan's frank assessment of the risks he faces and the approaches that work for him and his friends can help parents understand what teenagers need in a risky world where teens are exposed to drugs and alcohol at earlier and earlier ages. Brendan's comments about the importance of sports are especially enlightening because they highlight the importance of healthy stimulation of the natural dopamine pathways in the brain.
Human beings have been walking and running for thousands of years. Scientific research published just this year shows that the "runner's high" is actually the result of stimulation of the same brain centers and neuro-chemical pathways that drugs and alcohol (or falling in love) stimulate.
Part of the epidemic of drug and alcohol abuse in our culture may stem from our increasingly sedentary lifestyles. As our children spend more time indoors doing sedentary activities, their bodies and minds cry out for the natural brain stimulation that more physical activity creates. When they lack physical activity, teens may be more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol to activate the pleasure centers in the brain.
Brendan's Mother's Story
Interestingly, Brendan's mother reiterated almost all of the points Brendan made. She talked about the importance of sports and solid friendships. But she also commented on the roles that various adults play in her children's lives, and how important these authority figures are. Favorite teachers who comment positively on Brendan's work have made a critical difference in his life, she thinks. Relatives and adult friends who are willing to help the boys with work or projects make them feel cared for and valued.
Recently, a relative asked what she could do to help, and Brendan's mother suggested helping these young men take a trip to see an aunt and uncle in another city - as an adventure, and as a way for the relatives to show that they appreciated their growing maturity and independence.
But most important of all is this mother's approach to communicating with her teenagers. She communicates unconditional love, accepts their mistakes, and talks openly and frequently with them about everything from drugs and sex to their changing bodies and the stresses of what they have faced together as a family. She talks a great deal, and listens a great deal as well. She doesn't hesitate to point out to them when she feels they are making poor choices. She also makes sure they have counselors to talk to when they need them. And when she needs help for herself, she asks for it.
The Social Worker's Story
"Mary" has a master's degree in social work and spends her working hours helping at-risk families educate themselves about how to raise healthy, happy children. She has worked more than 20 years in this field, and knows Brendan's family well. She thinks that Brendan's mother has done an amazing job rescuing her family from a very difficult situation, and helping her children and herself to be their best, strongest selves.
She discussed several options Brendan's mother has to improve their family situation even more. "It's really important that she stay home more in the evenings, even if that means rescheduling some of her other plans," Mary said. She described how important it is for teenagers, and even young adults, to know that an adult is at home, even if the adult is busy in another room. Friends can become a problem if they come over when parents are not home, and are already drinking or drunk or using drugs. More and more communities are holding parents accountable for activities taking place in their homes even when they are not there. Supervision is critical, for everyone's sake.
In addition, Mary stressed the importance of eating meals together. While single parents often feel too busy to cook, and teens may be reluctant to sit down at family meals, a 2006 study by the National Center for Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University suggests that teens who have five or more dinners a week with their families are less likely to try marijuana, smoke cigarettes, or drink alcohol (Hoffman and Froemke, eds. 2007:108).
In other words, connection and caring count. Cooking doesn't hurt, either. Perhaps one of the strongest messages from all three perspectives - Brendan's, his mother's, and Mary's - is that making sure that happiness, pleasure, and purpose are available in safer forms, including physical activity, unconditional love, and sharing food and family, can deter teens from substance abuse. They already have the only substances they really need - the unconditional love of others, and a full and active life.
References:
"Addiction: Why Can't They Just Stop?: New Knowledge. New Treatments. New Hope" Hoffman, John, and Susan Froemke, eds. 2007. New York: Rodale Inc.
"Addictions and Risky Behaviors" Rebman, Renee. 2006. Berkeley: Enslow Publishers, Inc.
